the burdens of power

Wow, wasn't that guest writer fun on MondayTuesday night? I thought it was fun. 

Sorry about the lack of updates and shit and sizzle, I just moved last week and I'm still getting settled in and guys Montreal is a big city and a really easy city to get lost (metaphorically) in. I was going to hope I'd get out alive, but really I might be able to live a full and satisfactory life here. Who knows! The future's scary!

Anyways, this summer at the Great Glebe Garage Sale, I purchased two items that have become precious beyond all reckoning and reason to me: an Olivetti Lettera 25 typewriter, and a Top Banana mug. 

I would include a picture of the mug, because you might not believe my description, but pictures are the devil, THEY STEAL SOULS. It is a white mug, which says "Top Banana"in, I think, Bolded Times New Roman Font. Beneath is a cartoon drawing of a banana with arms and a smile and face, doffing it's top hat. It is a terrifying and wonderful picture that I sometimes forget about. The mug is one of those things that makes me happy no matter what. The Top Banana mug, according to the guy who sold it to me, was from a grocery store that closed down in the neighbourhood years before. I have asked people from the neighbourhood about this, and no one else remembers, so I don't know how true it is. I personally would prefer to believe there's some sordid history to the mug, a bloodstained past to match it's undoubtedly bloodstained future, because, see, this mug exhibits a most strange and frightening and marvellous power: every single guy wants to drink from this mug. 

When I first got it, I knew I would have it forever, or for as long as I have it, I suppose. I brought it to my new apartment, and I told my roommates that it is my mug, and if I see anyone else drinking from it, I will destroy them. Or I think I did. I am positive I said something similar. Anyways, when I moved in, another gentleman, David Padbury was staying with us for a few days. About halfway through his stay, I saw him drinking from the mug. I started to yell at him, naturally, because of course it is my mug and he had no goddamn right to drink from it. It's mine. I'm the Top Banana, not him. He could never be the Top Banana, there can only be one. Et cetera. This made one of my roommates, Emily McQuarrie, fall out of her chair laughing. I think I scared David, but mission accomplished, I had retained my title of Top Banana. 

One of my roommates, the marvellously talented Alvin DeViller, just moved in a few days ago. His parents stayed with us overnight to help him move in and everything. In the morning, I noticed Mr. DeViller drinking from my mug, the mug. He was challenging me. He was challenging my title. He was bidding to be Top Banana. I was conflicted in how to deal with this new scenario. On one hand, he was challenging my title, he was trying to be Top Banana. And I am Top Banana, I paid the quarter for the mug, it is my mug, I earned the right to call myself Top Banana. He had not. He had simply picked the mug out of my cupboard. He was, naturally, not Top Banana material. On the other hand, though, he was still my elder, he had gone through a lot in his life, and I was worried he would not react entirely credulously at my advances towards the mug. 

From my perspective, there was only one thing to do, I had to swallow my pride, and allow someone else to be Top Banana for that morning. When I was out later, I kind of realized how stupid I was for wanting to be Top Banana so much as to deprive other people from the experience. I mean, it's just total selfish, elitist bullying that would allow me to continue to be Top Banana. I would have to be a hardcore asshole in order to further this movement towards true Top Banana-hood. Why is there even a Top Banana? And why would it be me? If I had to objectively state my own rankings in Banana-hood, I think I'd be lower-to-middle echelon of it. (And no I did not just admit to having a small penis. God, you guys need to stop thinking like that. Being Top Banana has nothing to do with penis size. Besides, in the end it's how you use it.)

So, if you are ever staying with me, and I flip out about you using my Top Banana mug, please just slap me and remind me that other people can be Top Banana too. That I can share the burden sometimes, and someone else being Top Banana does not invalidate my own Top Banana-hood. 

Be excellent to each other, 

Lee.

P.S. ASK QUESTIONS I KNOW I WAS STUPID ABOUT THIS LAST WEEK BUT I PROMISE THAT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.