It is SHITTY MOVIE SHATURDAY!

You see what I did there? Usually it's spelled Saturday, but I spelt it Shaturday. It's called a play on words, doggs and doggettes, I'm kind of awesome like that. 

Here's the deal with today. I watched both X Men Origins: Wolverine and American Pie. These are shitty, shitty movies, no matter what anyone tells you. Okay, American Pie is more outdated and stupid than shitty, but trust me, Wolverine is a shitty movie. 

I feel a little bit weird calling Wolverine a shitty movie, because I just praised Transformers 2 and G.I. Joe for being mindless action movies, and embracing that. But here's the thing, those movies are good at being what they are. They are good at bringing toys to life and making those toys blow each other up. And they are good at being what they are because the fact of the matter is that talented people were working on them. They were good at doing what they do because the people working on them were good at doing they do. Wolverine, however, did not have talented dudes and ladies working on it. Or, if it did, those people did not care about putting out a good movie. The acting was ridiculous, the plot made no sense, and, with a rare few exceptions, the special effects were shitty. Even the action sequences were uninspired to a pretty large degree. It is, by no definition that I know of, a good movie. The thing about the other movies is that they didn't try to be good movies, they tried to be entertaining. Which meant that the emotional content is incredibly limited, and all the scenes between the action was purely comedy and exposition. Wolverine expected us to care about these characters that I really didn't. And it sucks, because the movie had this amazing amount of potential: a dude that can't die is on the run from another dude who can't die and there are explosions and shit along the way. Hell, give that to me as a pitch, and I could bang out a screenplay that would be awesome. Except probably not because I'm not a screenwriter, but still, you get the idea. I could certainly make something better than the shit I wasted my time watching. I'm sorry, not very many things make me as angry as this movie did. I refuse to believe it is a movie, at all, even. What I watched does not constitute a film. 

American Pie was better, but that's not hard. The deal with American Pie, though, is that it confused me. It was nowhere near as hysterical as I expected it to be, and I have no idea how sincere it is. For example, one character joins a jazz choir to get laid, and he meets a girl, they fall in love, and he misses his big lacrosse game to sing with her at the recital. I honestly do not know if they were making fun of that sort of story, or if it was completely sincere and everything. There are no clues, one way or the other, about whether this plot arc, which is a pretty important part of the movie, is comedic or if it's there to provide emotional weight to the film, or what. Seriously, it is very perplexing. Another example, in the first 10 minutes of the film, it is established that the main character has a thing for this girl. She isn't mentioned again for half the film, when she has a brief sexual liaison with him (which messes up hilariously!) and then she's put on a plane to Ukraine. And again, at the very end, she shows up over webcam (which I didn't know existed in 1999 but apparently they did) and it's implied they have a long distance thing going on. There were, like, no hints of this, this girl is barely mentioned and isn't even a character, she's a comedic device. Also, I think she's the only topless girl in the movie which is weird because this is American Pie, I thought it was completely a tittie-comedy. Also, Sean William Scott drinks semen, a story that Jason Biggs starts telling in one scene, and ends, like, 3 scenes later. Watching this movie is like watching Donnie Darko: confusing in so many ways, but you think you liked it. 

Also, what the hell guys? Only 2 people commented last time? WHEN I TOLD YOU TO COMMENT? I guess I'm killing myself, because my happiness only depends on how popular I am on the internet.