I watched G.I. Joe again today.
Really, it has exactly the same downfalls as Transformers 2, and it might actually have a better plot. But, really, it's just as ridiculous on so many levels. I could probably go scene-for-scene, pointing out why the actions or the dialogue or the plot is ridiculous. It'd be really easy. Seriously, why was the opening a flashback to Destro's ancestor being tortured? Was Destro important? I mean, I know he designed the warheads and backed MARS, but still, you'd think there could be an easier way to deal with the fact that this guy hates the French. I mean, he's Scottish. Don't all Scots hate the French? Did I just make that up? Oh, also, spoiler alert, as there will be spoilers in this post, but seriously, I'm talking about fucking G.I. Joe. Here's a spoiler, they win, bet you didn't see that one coming. I could go on about how fucking stupid this movie is (why was Duke fighting in East Africa? And why was it only called east Africa? Is... is East Africa a country now? Why did Scarlett hate emotions so much? They gave no reason for it, she just has beef with feelings. And it's weird, because this emotionless bitch is actually the deepest character, and has the most personal development and stuff, it's weird.) but if I did talk about how stupid this movie is, I wouldn't really be talking about G.I. Joe. See, when I say this movie's like Transformers 2, I mean that they both have to be approached and appreciated the same way, because, really, if you're looking for a deep movie, full of in-depth characterization and a legible plot, then why the fuck are you watching G.I. Joe? Seriously, with this movie, it's like the screenwriters put a 6 year old kid in front of a bunch of action figures, and recorded exactly what that kid said and did. It's like this comic I read, Axe Cop, except that's exactly what they do in Axe Cop (the story is actually written by a 6 year old, and it's awesome, look it up, it's all online). And to appreciate this movie, you have to approach it on these terms. So before you start complaining about these children action movies, go back and think about how you were when you were that age, and ask yourself, "What did I want to watch?" and, almost guaranteed, something like G.I. Joe or Transformers will come out. Also, watching G.I. Joe makes me happy in an almost primal way.
Ok, just so you guys don't go thinking I only watch shitty action movies about toys (though that thinking would be somewhat accurate), I watched Hamlet last night, the Kenneth Branagh version. My juvenile and blood obsessed view on the movie? Flawless, absolute perfection, everything Hamlet should be.
For the first half. The first half ends with this amazing slowly panning out shot of Hamlet standing in front of an foreign army talking about how all these lives are a waste and the such, and it ends with such perfection. Seriously, it might be my favourite shot in almost any movie, it's completely haunting and great and there's no way to describe it until you see it. Kenneth Branagh is completely flawless, he manages to balance both the madness and the scheming of Hamlet, and be alternatively hilarious and terrifying, while I'm still on his side the whole time. Seriously, I was in love with this movie.
For the first half. The second half isn't bad, mind you, it's just weird. I mean, the first half dies with Polonius murdered by Hamlet, Hamlet exiled for this, Ophelia falling into insanity, and a general shit storm for everyone else. Things are looking completely bleak for everyone involved in the play. But when Hamlet appears on screen again, things are different. To give you an idea of how the first and second halves stack up to each other, in the first half, there is Charlton Heston telling a great and heartbreaking story of Hecuba and Priam. Charlton fucking Heston, basically told to give it his all, and make that one scene amazing. The second half feature as key characters Billy Crystal and Robin Williams, basically playing Billy Crystal and Robin Williams. It's really a shame, because I loved the first half, and as I said before, the second half isn't bad, it's just not the first half. And it's weird, because this silliness and lack of gravity until the final scene seems to be in the original play. I mean, put yourself in Hamlet's shoes: the love of your life is dead and it's pretty much your fault, her brother has teamed up with the man that killed your father to kill you, and you pretty much only have one friend left in the world. Instead of freaking out about this, or preparing for the fight to come, or doing fucking anything to show he has depth and feels sad about what happened, he casually talks about his chances in the upcoming fight, and makes fun on Robin Williams.
Really, it has exactly the same downfalls as Transformers 2, and it might actually have a better plot. But, really, it's just as ridiculous on so many levels. I could probably go scene-for-scene, pointing out why the actions or the dialogue or the plot is ridiculous. It'd be really easy. Seriously, why was the opening a flashback to Destro's ancestor being tortured? Was Destro important? I mean, I know he designed the warheads and backed MARS, but still, you'd think there could be an easier way to deal with the fact that this guy hates the French. I mean, he's Scottish. Don't all Scots hate the French? Did I just make that up? Oh, also, spoiler alert, as there will be spoilers in this post, but seriously, I'm talking about fucking G.I. Joe. Here's a spoiler, they win, bet you didn't see that one coming. I could go on about how fucking stupid this movie is (why was Duke fighting in East Africa? And why was it only called east Africa? Is... is East Africa a country now? Why did Scarlett hate emotions so much? They gave no reason for it, she just has beef with feelings. And it's weird, because this emotionless bitch is actually the deepest character, and has the most personal development and stuff, it's weird.) but if I did talk about how stupid this movie is, I wouldn't really be talking about G.I. Joe. See, when I say this movie's like Transformers 2, I mean that they both have to be approached and appreciated the same way, because, really, if you're looking for a deep movie, full of in-depth characterization and a legible plot, then why the fuck are you watching G.I. Joe? Seriously, with this movie, it's like the screenwriters put a 6 year old kid in front of a bunch of action figures, and recorded exactly what that kid said and did. It's like this comic I read, Axe Cop, except that's exactly what they do in Axe Cop (the story is actually written by a 6 year old, and it's awesome, look it up, it's all online). And to appreciate this movie, you have to approach it on these terms. So before you start complaining about these children action movies, go back and think about how you were when you were that age, and ask yourself, "What did I want to watch?" and, almost guaranteed, something like G.I. Joe or Transformers will come out. Also, watching G.I. Joe makes me happy in an almost primal way.
Ok, just so you guys don't go thinking I only watch shitty action movies about toys (though that thinking would be somewhat accurate), I watched Hamlet last night, the Kenneth Branagh version. My juvenile and blood obsessed view on the movie? Flawless, absolute perfection, everything Hamlet should be.
For the first half. The first half ends with this amazing slowly panning out shot of Hamlet standing in front of an foreign army talking about how all these lives are a waste and the such, and it ends with such perfection. Seriously, it might be my favourite shot in almost any movie, it's completely haunting and great and there's no way to describe it until you see it. Kenneth Branagh is completely flawless, he manages to balance both the madness and the scheming of Hamlet, and be alternatively hilarious and terrifying, while I'm still on his side the whole time. Seriously, I was in love with this movie.
For the first half. The second half isn't bad, mind you, it's just weird. I mean, the first half dies with Polonius murdered by Hamlet, Hamlet exiled for this, Ophelia falling into insanity, and a general shit storm for everyone else. Things are looking completely bleak for everyone involved in the play. But when Hamlet appears on screen again, things are different. To give you an idea of how the first and second halves stack up to each other, in the first half, there is Charlton Heston telling a great and heartbreaking story of Hecuba and Priam. Charlton fucking Heston, basically told to give it his all, and make that one scene amazing. The second half feature as key characters Billy Crystal and Robin Williams, basically playing Billy Crystal and Robin Williams. It's really a shame, because I loved the first half, and as I said before, the second half isn't bad, it's just not the first half. And it's weird, because this silliness and lack of gravity until the final scene seems to be in the original play. I mean, put yourself in Hamlet's shoes: the love of your life is dead and it's pretty much your fault, her brother has teamed up with the man that killed your father to kill you, and you pretty much only have one friend left in the world. Instead of freaking out about this, or preparing for the fight to come, or doing fucking anything to show he has depth and feels sad about what happened, he casually talks about his chances in the upcoming fight, and makes fun on Robin Williams.
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