what.

i kept on thinking today about things i wanted to write down. little anecdotes or observations that i wanted to share with someone or some page or something. but right now, i can't remember any of them. is this scary? i can't even tell anymore. i mean, i spent literally all day thinking about this, i must've been filling up pages in my head of this stuff, this potentially awesome, life-changing writing and now it's all gone. and i really doubt it was that awesome, but it could've been. the potential it had is now gone, because i didn't write it down. i think i wanted to say something about how i like the library, but it's gone now. i think there was something else about memory that's gone. is that ironic? i think that's ironic? i don't even know. i'm really tired. i guess too tired to bother to hit the shit key. There we go. was that worth it? is that brief propulsion of a letter above it's peers really worth the energy i put into it? BECAUSE, REALLY, I COULD DO IT WITH ANY LETTER. IT'S COMPLETELY ARBITRARY. it doesn't matter at all which letters i put above other. i'm not trying to make an allegory here, but i may be accidentally, subconsciously, because i've spent all day reading about communism and capitalism and the cold war and did you know that if there was a stronger intervention in the bolshevik revolution by the west the bolsheviks would've lost and that would mean no lenin or stalin and maybe no hitler and that this little oversight by the western world changed the course of history and i didn't know any of this, because for some reason the bolshevik revolution was always glossed over before when i was studying history, and fuck man, i don't know if i want to know all this. the world is so full of mysteries about what could've happened and what would've happened that after a point you kind of have to accept that what happened happened and what didn't didn't but no matter how often i repeat that to myself, i cannot help but fail to imagine a world where world war 2 and the cold war didn't happen. honestly, do you know what that would mean? no war boom, no baby boom, probably still an a-bomb somewhere down the line, but we might still be fighting the japanese. israel wouldn't be so sympathetic, there might not be a man on the moon, fucking indiana jones wouldn't exist. and it's strange how much is different because some authority figure made a bad call way back in time and fuck man i don't know if it is a good thing or not that mistake was made. i completely forgot what i was talking about. i'm really tired. i still need to write 1800 words about the cold war tonight. i'm not so interested in it that i care.